My life was never a bed of roses. I made plenty of mistakes...too many to count. But if those mistakes never happened I would not be in the place I am now. I am truly blessed to have Dale in my life. I am blessed to have 2 beautiful grandchildren from my only child Kandi. I am blessed to have another grandchild from Dale's daughter Rebecca and we have kinda adopted Jesse as our son giving us 3 more beautiful grandchildren. In a previous marriage I had the pleasure of falling in love with 2 wonderful children, Josh and Rashel. All grown up now but my babies all the same. I am blessed they are and always will be in my life. I don't see my daughter or the babies because she lives in Oklahoma. The few times I have...every minute is treasured. Dale's daughter is in Utah so our visits there are limited as well but also treasured what little time we have spent with her.
Where am I going with this? I have no idea. Remember I babble. I can say. I miss them terribly and would love to to see them everyday.
I have dreams. Dreams of vacationing with all my grandbabies to Disneyland. I remember when I was a child my Father took us every year some place. Of course first we had to go see Grandma and Grandpap in Oklahoma. Then off to wonderful places. My favorite Yellowstone Park.
I always said I wanted a life like my parents had. We were raised to love and respect each other. Yes we fought..all kids did. But I loved my family. I was blessed. Daddy worked every single day to provide for us and my mother devoted all her time in caring for us and our home.
Here I am today filling the shoes my mother used to wear. Dale is the provider and I am the little miss homemaker.
There is one catch. April of 2009 we lost our home. July of 2010 Dale lost his job. yep...the bad economy grabbed us and sucked us into a hell that I never dreamed would happen. This is not my plan.
Our savings is dwindling down and what we have tucked away for a new home is now our sole means of income.
Dale looks everyday and everyday we pray that one opportunity will come and we will back on the road to success. He is a lot stronger then I am. I stress and feel sorry for myself. He smiles and says it will all be ok.
I am a dreamer and a realists. My problem is my realist part destroys my dreams.
God says he will never let us carry more then what we can bare. So let me weigh this huge pile I am lugging around. My Mom has moved in with us. I love that part. The part I don't like is she got sick. On the road to recovery but it still weighs on me. Dale hasn't found work and I am very stressed about that. I myself have poor health. I hold the world record on Migraines. I don't do anything that requires me to lift or pull more then 10 pounds or it puts me in bed for 2 days. No more medical insurance therefore I do what I can to not do anything. We pay too much for rent right now but without work it isn't in the cards to relocate. Ha! relocate...yeah that was another dream. Get out of Fresno. Get out of California. I feel like I have concrete shoes on and stuck in this over populated dirty pathetic city. Dale had a quintauple bypass a few years back. So when he doesn't feel well my blood pressure sores. I lost a lot of things. I will not lose him.
Family support is not what I would like it to be. A little pat on the back would be nice. Being a little more thankful that I devoted my life to taking care of my Mom while the rest of the family doesn't have to worry about her. Seems all is well until I ask for a little help. Then I am questioned about the why and why nots and how come I can't do it myself.
I can't do it all myself. I am one person and I don't have the strength to be a heavy weight and I don't have the energy to not have a day off. There is no room in my life for peace and quiet. I can't imagine family pulling together for the sake of one or the other. We are all too selfish to do that.
So everyday I thank God for what I do have and I cry for the things I don't. I thank God for not taking my Mom right now because I am not ready to say goodbye yet. Everyday the phone does not ring I say a prayer at night that it rings off the hook tomorrow. Every time my husband puts his arms around me I thank God for him. I pray I can hold him for another 7 years....and another...and another.
I pray this is all just a rut in the road that shifted the weight making it a little harder to carry. That God does not think I am superman and he takes some of this load off soon. I ask this in Jesus' name....Amen.
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